Indigo Thoughts (Even The Radar Never Saw It Coming)

Photograph: Chris Charles

Model/Design: Fayth Hope

Words: iMuse Ngobuningi (pronounced EE-MOO-SEH EN-GOH-BOO-NEEN-GEE)

I was never “mad mad”...

I was hurt.

Stung.

Caught off guard.

Wondering why.

Never expecting it.

Wanting you to care.

Hoping to see some kind of sign that you did.

And then interrogating myself on whether or not you really ever did in the first place.

There was only silence though; it was so deafening.

It screamed at me that you didn’t.

Really, all of it screamed that you didn’t…

and the screaming has yet to stop.

It may have meant nothing to you.

And that’s cool.

But for me...it was deep.

Honestly, I didn’t want it to be.

Why?

I was already consumed with guarding and mending a heart that was still healing from the relentless and reckless blows from all the hands in which I placed it.

A heart that you would have never known was broken because of all the high-spirited laughs and warm smiles radiating from the inside.

A master of disguise I evolved into over time.

The energy created from your vibe mixed with mine…

It struck me.

I worked hard to conceal it…as I do with my imperfections.

That energy...

It melted away my inhibitions.

I wasn’t wide open.

But I was open to the experience.

Only for a little while though.

I knew what it was.

Was good with it,

Especially since I didn’t want anything heavy anyhow.

Anvils have made their home on my heart, my head, my spirit, my soul…

I needed respite,

A safe haven from the bullshit.

With you I felt like I could just chill…and be.

You saw me.

My essence.

My light.

My vibe.

And you dug it.

Admired it.

Appreciated it.

Studied it.

Was beginning to understand it.

Wanted to experience it.

It was endearing to have someone recognize me.

Someone who I also recognized…

who recognized that I recognized them too.

Someone who said I inspired them.

And I must admit, at first I didn’t know what to do with that.

But I was digging you, too...for real.

Or as you would say, no cap.

Experience has taught me to forever stay in Warrior mode.

To no longer let anyone get close.

And although the haunting vapors of my past implored me to escape while I still had a chance,

I was compelled to indulge myself.

So I hushed my apprehensions, braced myself…

and I took a chance.

Expectations…I had none.

No attachments either.

Just the vibin...

The pleasure of your company...

The feel of our energies playing with one another, pulling towards each other, dancing coyly and in sync with the other...

…even if it was only just for a spell like the way Haley’s zips across the stars and greets us and lights up our world for a fleeting moment.

I wasn’t trying to be your forever, and you weren’t trying to be mine…

Because I knew this was only for now…

The Here and Now.

Yet and still, I wanted to lay in the moment, enjoy it.

Learn about what’s hidden away inside of you.

Learn about what makes you YOU.

Be there for you as you slay the dragons that roam about your life.

Dragons you try to tame and keep out of sight so that no one will know they exist.

But I know, King.

Kept it under lock and key…

…waiting quietly through the years for the right time to let you know I know so I could then be what I sensed and felt you truly needed.

And so I smiled when you expressed to me what you desired and were missing...

Because I already had been wanting to give and be those very things to and for you.

Synchronistically symbolic serendipity, that was WE.

WE were dope…together…

…or at least we could have been.

Midnight falls and minutes continue to pass.

Text one.

Nothing.

Text two.

Still nothing.

Maybe he’s asleep.

Yeah, he’s probably asleep…

I mean…

He wouldn’t leave me hanging like a pair of beat up Chuck Taylor’s dangling from some power line on some broken down avenue somewhere in Watts…

that’s the homie.

So, no worries…right?

Not wanting to linger on it any more than I needed to,

I counted the night as a no-go and headed to The Gram to get a few ounces of laughs so that I could chill out from the tingles of anticipation that had been firing off in me that day.

I was excited about seeing you, that’s what I told you.

And I winced oh-fuckingly after pressing “send”…

because I wasn’t sure if I should have told you.

Certain things make me uncomfortable at this certain point in my visit to this earthly plane…

saying how I feel is one of them…

and it didn’t use to be that way.

Instead of being free and laying it on the line,

I now replay my words over and over in my mind before I allow them to leave my lips and again afterwards once they’ve travelled into the atmosphere…

as if they were undergoing some kind of quality check where I carefully evaluate whether or not I might have come off too strong…

too giddy…

too easy…

too much…

too…caring.

Looking at my words from different angles the way Dr. Strange flipped through the myriad paths leading to the endgame…

desperate to determine the right move…

But then…

I remembered you admitting being nervous, excited…

which to me was hella surprising.

You made being transparent look and feel cool.

Like it was the new black.

And I figured…maybe it would be cool for me to finally get with the trend.

Anyhow…

Before going to Club IG, I stared myself down in the mirror…

Blush gracing my cheeks ever so lightly…

Rich, ruby red color hugging my lips ever so tightly.

Face kissed by rose water mists.

Eyes…so divine…they could launch a thousand ships.

I liked what I saw…and I smiled.

And then I saw you…and my smile died.

The very phone that was non-responsive, giving me no replies

was alive and well all along…and the time stamp told no lies.

Numb.

Confused.

Betrayed.

Self-conscious.

Embarrassed.

Intentionally ignored.

Even the Radar never saw it coming.

Jolted by the hard truth unfolding before me,

Shockwaves pulsated through my brain to the rhythm of that beating thing in my chest that continues to jump around and bring the pain.

To me, each thump conveyed how seemingly expendable I was.

Reverberating forcefully throughout my being like the waters that have travelled the Grand Canyon for a millennia,

Etching into its fortified structure the twists, turns, and turbulence of humanity for all of antiquity and beyond…

which is an oxymoron…in and of itself.

Life had already run my well dry.

Your energy reactivated the turbines and I began to once again flow.

Playful Pisces splashing the Cautious Cancer,

Beckoning this Daughter of Oshun to remember the true essence of herself with every cooling droplet trickling over her parched and burning Spirit.

The jolt must have scorched the circuitry,

Because the flowing…it ceased.

Songs that made me think of you now act as a hard reminder of what was (and what was not and what could have been…and what may more than likely will never be).

In true hermitic fashion, I shield myself from the memories, the smells, the vibes attached to these sonic relics.

Again…

I was never “mad mad”…

I was hurt.

I was shell-shocked (and still am).

Seared by the falling embers spawned from the jolt.

All you had to do was be real.

Now?

I feel like I’m merely the subject of a cruel joke.

I will take it as my cue to retreat back to my shell.

After all, it is much safer there.

Maybe one day I’ll be bold enough to come out again.

Maybe.

But…

until then…